Hello all!
It's July!!
I am very excited about July because in 23 more days will be my last chemo treatment!!!
Last Tuesday, June 25th was my 10th treatment. When I met with the doctor he was very pleased for me that we were soon heading for the finish line but he assured me ... that yes, they will be carefully monitoring me for the next many years to make sure that I do not have any relapses. Of course on one level of my finite understanding I knew that that would be the case. This would be over.. but not all things would be over. Yet, his telling me this brought me down to the reality that though I could resume many parts of my life again.. some things will just never be the same.
I stewed about that for a few days. The thought of being under the watchful care of educating guessing doctors for maybe the rest of my life seems like I will continue to give up so much control over my own life. That I would be under their mercy in a sense ..to how many colonoscopies I would need to be subject to.. what medications I would have to take.. and for how long etc. etc. For such an independent person as me I was not finding the joy in it.
It is not unusual that one struggles a bit with some depression as the treatments progress. Loosing site of the overall picture can easily happen. I started swaying into the very blue feelings soon after going through the second port surgery. I did not feel well and started watching lots and lots of TV. I got grumpy on many occasions.
One can sometimes grit their teeth and determine.. okay.. lets just get this over with and get back to normal life. Yet, one's journey in life is often all about change. Changes that happen because of circumstances or changes because of the natural consequences of the choices we make. Through our life we get to see how resilient we are, not how much we can get back to what we thought should be normal. "Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever."
Ok.. so here is an example of my wake up call. Last Friday I was on my 2nd day of being chemo saturated. I did want to do anything .. I felt justified if I just vegged out and did very little. Yet, I decided to fight it. I had a goal in mind. We had invited the missionaries over for dinner and I knew they would not be hard dinner guests.
I made myself care about the little clutter around the living room and went slowly about putting things away. Yes, I stopped and did not do it with my usual vigor but it got done. I went out and got Papa Murphy pizzas.. because in my normal world.. Friday night is Pizza night after all. I put a simple green salad together and had Dave wash some grapes. Ta da.. dinner. Then... to push past my fatigue I did not let myself talk myself out of making some cookies. It is really no big deal.. but on chemo brain.. you are fighting your body and your mind. I won. =)
The young missionaries came over, enjoyed the dinner and we chatted about some important and fun things. I did not feel the effects of the chemo hardly at all the rest of that night!
Saturday.... I drifted about and slept most of the day. Sunday.. once again I determined I was going to endure through my usual Sunday routine, which includes a 3 hour block of church services. After the first hour I thought.. oh I should just go home.. I did not feel well. Yet, I stayed, suffered through my infirmity and it was good.
I found I could suffer through .. and endure.. and rise to the top. I do have much control over my life and always will. Maybe I can not do all so energetically that I have been able to do before.. but I can do something and I can find satisfaction and joy in those acts no matter how simple they are, how long they take or how few of them I can do at once. I am realistic enough to know that I will still have my pity parties of how I think my life should be.. but I have had these experiences and others to show me that I am one of the resilient ones and I can bounce back from the setbacks of life. =)
I am grateful to my medical team that is helping me have the best life I can. I am thankful to my husband, my children, my sisters, my brothers, my parents, my friends, and all else that are supporting me and showing their concern and care. I hope your life shows you how resilient you can be too. See you at the end of the tunnel!!!!
